I Wouldn't Do That If I Was You
by Rose Darkfire
Summary: Ever wanted to jump into the movies and tell the characters what to do? (co-written with That Dumb Blonde)
1. Default Chapter

The scene we paint for you dear reader is that of a approximately fifteen year old girl (give or take a few years depending on whether she's trying to buy alcohol or get a concession on a bus fare) pacing the lounge room of her, well, her parents, home. Flipping her blonde hair about with a dramatic flair, she turned her glaring eyes towards the object of her grievances.

"LOOK! Just look BEHIND you, you NO DON"T PLAY WITH IT!!– stupid excuse for a hobbit!" Filled with sudden guilt and shame she fell to her knees.

"OHHHH!! I didn't mean that! I'm so sorry Pippin! It was probably a GOOD IDEA to knock the skeleton down the well….well maybe….not such a good idea…."

In exasperation she flopped onto the couch, depressed at the site of Pippin getting reprimanded by Gandalf. Of course, she had actually seen this scene many times before but she always felt sad for the poor fellow.

Anger suddenly filled her like gas fills a balloon. Or something like that.

Raising herself from the couch, she pointed an accusing finger at the obviously guilty television. 

"Listen you, you stupid script thing, movie whatever! Hobbits are cool! Not stupid! If I were in this story I wouldn't have made hobbits look stupid. But, err, I am not a hobbit, BUT I WOULD BE! And, errr."

Some people just stop making sense when there angry.

"So, Yeah!"

And still don't shut up.

"Yeah I do! You're just picking on me cause I'm a hobbit."

But you're not a hobbit.

"But, but…"

Of course, you shouldn't be worried until they start arguing with invisible, nonexistent narrators.

Ignoring the figment's of her imagination, she threw one more angry glance at the television and gave the television a mighty (but not enough to break anything, oh no her parents would not be happy) KICK!

PWPH!!!!

"Well, mummy always told me not to shout at the television."

Middle Earth – meet, as yet unnamed blonde person.

As yet unnamed blonde person- meet, Middle Earth.


	2. Hobbit is as Hobbit does

So, where were we? Oh, yes! A random blonde girl stuck in the middle of an evergreen field (Well, as long as Sam keeps it fertilized), no idea where she is, how she got there. So if we are keeping with predictability, a handsome man on a white horse should ride up to rescue her at this point.

But let's not talk about Gandalf just yet.

Instead let's discuss the mad ramblings of the diseased mind that has now come to infiltrate Middle Earth. Let's see if she can work out where she is, (snicker), with our help.

This should be funny.

"Cool, grass…This wasn't here last time I watched television. Which was what, five seconds ago…wait… where has television gone? Right, okay, my advanced powers of observation will figure out where I am."

She looked around with a vague expression on her face.

"Right, grass."

Turns

"More grass."

Turns again.

"WOW! More grass!"

Well, Sam does do his job well.

"Okay, obviously I've slept walked to a park with lots of grass and nothing on the horizon." She paused thoughtfully. "Yeah, right, like that's gonna happen! Now, what is the least likely place for me to turn up in?"

She paused for, quite a long time actually – hey some people have problems working their imaginations – to think about this heart wrenchingly difficult question.

"HEY! I'm in Middle Earth!"

Score one for the blonde. 

"Okay, first step. Find the way out of the endless field. Find Bag End – locate hobbits. Get Food. Get Frodo. All good!"

Somehow, she managed to find her way out of the Endless Field TM (now a registered trademark) and onto the well known path from her favorite movie. No, it's not the yellow brick road but a quick paint job could have easily changed that fact. Eventually she found her way to the door of bag end.

"Okay," she took a deep breath. Knocked on the door, waited for the sound of footsteps and then promptly fainted. 

"Oh NO! Frodo, my lad! Quickly get a, umm, a thing to carry the, thing. That has, oh just get your backside out here!"

And what a cute backside it is.

Unnamed blonde slowly blinked her eyes as she 'awoke' out of her 'unconscious' state. Only to find herself on Frodo's bed, as it was the biggest bed in the house, it made sense. Why it's the biggest – only Sam will tell you. 

Of course if she knew she was on Frodo's bed she would have squealed girlishly. Instead she gave the concerned Bilbo and Frodo a 'confused' look.

"Where, where am I? Who am I? And when is breakfast?" adding in a few pitiful coughs.

Biblo gave a small gasp and shot Frodo another concerned look. "Oh dear, the poor, umm, dear, she doesn't even know that it's lunch time! I'll go cook something!"

Frodo, however, was more concerned about the person occupying his bed – not her stomach. After all, he DID kinda want his bed back – empty.

"So, who are you again?" Frodo asked with confusion evident on his face.

"Again? What do you mean 'again'? I don't know who I am! I have, umm… amnesia, I have no memory"

"You have amnesia? How do you know that if you have no memory?"

"Umm, selective memory?" Deciding this was a critical moment, she resorted to using her weapons of mass destruction.

Cue: the fluttering eyelashes.

"Right… well, seeing as I don't know what amnesia is and you're a hobbit- I guess I'll trust you."

Frodo left the room leaving the unnamed blonde wide eyed in shock. Contemplating his last words. Finally it sunk in.

"I am a hobbit"

"A Hobbit"

"Me Be Hobbit!"

"I AM A HOBBIT!! And my psychiatrist said this could never happen!!"


	3. You're, wheez, Late

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away… wait we have started the story… oh, that's right it is breakfast time…

The delicate smell of mushrooms toasting, toast roasting, roast… is moasting a word? Anyhoo these were the smells that awoke the un-named blonde from her gentle sleep in Frodo's bed.

REAL pity Frodo was sleeping in the bath tub - lack of beds and all.

"This is the part in most movies where you wonder where you are? Why you are there? And who is that gorgeous guy walking in through the door' long pause ' well, repeat that in ten minutes as the cute guy is currently making breakfast."

She does realize that talking to oneself is a sign of madness?

Right?

"But I know the answer to all these questions! Middle Earth, cause I am, Frodo….and I am now a hobbit or a really short and hairy elf. Life could only be better if I got breakfast in bed!!"

"Breakfast is ready, don't let it get cold… and I heard what you said!!"

…

"It's on the table, move it!"

BUGGER

Hobbits have developed a unique way of eating and talking at the same time without appearing rude or uncouth. Lucky, for that is what they did all throughout the eleven meals of breakfast. Unnamed blonde managed to gather all the important information she needed to survive in Middle Earth. Like, when exactly was Bilbo's party, when lunch started and where was Frodo's underwear draw…

In fact they talked so long that they lost track of time and only when unnamed blonde suddenly got a familiar song stuck in her head did she realize how stupid she had been.

(Insert funny joke about stupidness and maybe blondness)

'And the road goes on and a humm humm humm…' 

She really needed to learn the lyrics!!

"Oh no … wait… that song… is the song… that"

And needed to upgrade her memory!!

"Wait the WAGGON with Gandalf and the whole your late thing. Frodo your supposed to be reading, quick grab a book and go to a random tree!!"

Frodo looked at her in confusion

"What? Why? Pine or gum?"  


She placed her hands on Frodo's shoulders and looked deep into his eyes

"Frodo, the very existence of elevensies relies on you choosing that special tree, you will know when you see it, this task has been appointed to you Frodo Baggins of the Shire if you can't find a way no one will, now GO!"

So Frodo Baggins went to create what would later be the first scene of 'The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring' excluding the prologue and the extra bit in the extended dvd. 

Of course he was only able to read one sentence of the book, mistakenly picked the wrong tree, puffed throughout his lines and was a bit late.

But Gandalf was late too.

"You're, wheeze, late…"

"Hypocrite."


	4. Quizzical Big Ones

Somehow the unnamed blonde managed to run out of the house just in time for Gandalfs visit and entertained herself for an hour or two. (Twiddling you're thumbs is a lot more fun then you think) Time passed and guess who found themselves at Bilbo's party?

Take a wild and untamed guess and say 'the unnamed blonde' (speaking of which, she still needs to be named. Rather unfortunate that my 'Name The Baby' book hasn't arrived in the mail yet)

She felt like a hero, the keeper of the 'way things were' and the stopper of people doing stupid deeds. Her first mission was to stop Merry and Pippin taking the fireworks, while they looked so cute with dirt on their faces – the scolding from Gandalf could be avoided. She started to tug insistently on Frodo's sleeve.

"Frodo," she whined, "introduce me to Merry or Pippin. NOW, not half a keg later!" Frodo swallowed the mouthful of beer guiltily – he hadn't drunk that much. 

"Hey, how do you know who Merry and Pippin are?" She froze…how was she going to cover this up?

"Umm, I heard they are the local whores and I want to be down on their books."

Wait, no. She couldn't say that….

"My friend over, umm…there." She pointed wildly around in the direction of where Bilbo was retelling his story of the adventure of the trolls to the younger hobbits of the shire. "Is, err, interested in Merry! And, urr, yeah!" She gave him a wide eyed look.

"Right. Well, umm, look! There, MERRY! Over here!" Frodo grasped Merry by the arm to drag him over to the overly excited unnamed blonde. 

There was an awkward silence between the three of them. The blonde stared angrily at Frodo, hoping he'd get the message and leave. And people say blonde's are stupid.

"Now, go play footise with Sam…. MERRY, I MEANT Frodo."

Resume awkward silence.

"So, you're the new stray staying at Frodo's place." 

"Umm, yeah."

"So, uum, yeah." 

Damn she hated those awkward silences, they were even worse then awkward conversations. She had to think of a way to break the ice until she could think of the reason she had wanted to speak to Merry.

"Hey Merry, wanna hear a joke?"

"Do I have to?"

"Yes….Okay, if quizzes are quizzical then was are tests?"

"Yeah, a riddle! Hobbits are good at riddles, I can do this. It's testi….oh, I'm not saying THAT!" He stated laughing hysterically – what can I say, the last good joke had been circulating in the shire for the last fifty years. Anyway, back to the laughter.

"Hehe…Hehe…he---"

"Don't take the big one."

"Okay, HUH?"

But she just started to walk away, glad in the knowledge that her suggested comment would stop Merry and Pippin from grasping such a large, engorged, stick and lighting it on fire. Then she remembered how cute they looked when they were made to do the dishes, with those little rounded cheeks dirtied with…dirt. The movie never be the same without that scene.

So she ran back.

"Take the big one."

Wait, reverse psychology.

"Don't take the big one."

But that doesn't always work.

"Take the…."

But Merry had already ran away.

"Oh, yeah. A big fat lot of good I'm doing here."


	5. Now, Where did he say that keg was?

The night was passing the way that nights often do – hour by hour. When a loud bang went off, followed by the explosion of a firework – unnamed blonde was the only one who didn't wince. Instead she took that opportunity to empty Frodo's tankard while he was off saving Bilbo – she had noticed that, that hobbit got overly affectionate when he was tipsy and she couldn't have been bothered keeping him away from Sam all night.

She sighed, now was the time for the booorrring part. Bilbo's speech. Slightly tipsy and not paying much attention to the goings one around her – she tripped. 

Over two tables.

…

Two FOOD tables.

May I now add that this took place at the very end of Bilbo's speech. This would have made him a little bit disappointed that everyone – including Gandalf had just missed the biggest event of his life – excluding he dragon fiasco. Except Bilbo had already turned and left, invisible and smirking at the thought that he had just scared/surprised everyone at the shire. 

However, as everyone was so far into their cups, nobody really noticed Bilbo's disappearance. Even Gandalf had been distracted by the site of Merry and Pippin doing the dishes.

Hmmm.

"CRAP, I bet this action had consequences." 

Annoyed at her own stupidity, unnamed blonde began the difficult task of attempting to fix the problem. 

"Okay, this isn't too bad. This isn't going to stuff up the plot too much. Gandalf just won't get to see Bilbo off. Which means that Bilbo will take the ring with him…."

….

"Crap"

With purpose in mind, she stalked up to Gandalf and ripped the pipe from his mouth. Giving him her most evil look she growled between clenched teeth, "Bilbo has your pipe – go fetch."

"WHAT? My pipe? Oh, Bilbo thinks he's so funny. Let's see who's laughing when I make him give the ring to Frodo. Ha!"

She breathed a sigh of relief.

"Phew."

See, I told you she breathed a sigh of relief.

She looked around trying to find a face that she recognized. Results – Friends 0 Chances of being Neglected 99999

Despondent, she decided to climb a tree. Thus presenting her with the opportunity to jump down on top of Frodo when he walked past.

"HI!"

"Um, ouch."

"Never mind that – you march your buttox up to Bag End."

"But, but…keg is here…."

"In class you haven't noticed, your uncle has disappeared."

"WHAT? Gosh, I better go to Bag End."

Watching Frodo run upto Bag End, she felt a burst of pride at having accomplished something.

"Ah, my work here is done…for tonight…well, probably not. Now, where did he say that keg was?" 


	6. Beer Drops Keep Fallin On My Head!

Sry bout the lack of updates. We blame the weather, rhinos and school.

The gentle rain gradually started to fall lightly onto her face, in the way rain does … but it doesn't. 

Oh, wait, it is just the keg, dripping onto the face of the unnamed blonde as she lay passed out underneath the keg. The result of a dare placed by Pippin that she really shouldn't have agreed to.

Her spleen hurt.

Realizing that the numerous amount of hours she had spent unconscious were probably starting to catch up on her, she decided to return to Bag End.

Once the world stopped spinning.

Stumbling, staggering and doing all other things one would do when one was drunk – that the authors would know nothing about of course – she made her way slowly but surely to Bag End. However, before entering Bag End she noticed a shadowy figure lurking in the garden.

Not so much as 'noticed' the figure but more like fell over the figure.

Her spleen and knee hurt.

"Owww….Sammy, be quietes they'll hear us…naughty boy."

And Sam was quiet, more out of confusion that anything.

Unnamed blonde looked into the window that her and Sam were so well hidden under and was greeted by the sight of Gandalf's arse. Well, Gandalf's arse retelling the story of the one ring. (Can just you imagine that?)

"I don't know if I want to" mummered the unnamed blonde.

"Pardon?"

"Don't worry Sam, just be glad that 'I like big buts and I cannot lie'!!!"

Insert long awkward filled with the sounds of crickets chirping and drunk gaffer snoring.

"Sooooo, Sam. This conversation we're listening to… have you got the gist of what's happening?"

….

"If anyone asks, it's about a ring, Dark Lord and something about the end of the world."

….

"And you've been trimming the grass."

The awkward silence would have continued if it hadn't been for Gandalfs staff hitting the unnamed blonde over the head. 

Her spleen, knee and top half of her head hurt.

Unfortunately this blow, once again, knocked her unconscious. It was pure luck (well, that's open to interpretation) that Gandalf had still yanked Sam through the window. And everything was as it should be.

Without the unnamed blonde.

"Nooo… they left without me!" Moaned the unnamed blonde to a particularly interested plant. "This isn't suppose to happen! Then again, I'M not suppose to happen."

Listening patiently to the plant's advice, the unnamed blond stood up with renewed confidence.

"Thank-you Sam's plant! You are right! I have given myself this quest and I intend to keep to its values and interests! For the sake of all those who wished to change the course of middle earth history! Hurrah!"

Hurrah, indeed.

Indeed, hurrah. 


End file.
